June 30, 2003
last night, i couldn't get to sleep. at all.
12:00: just finished watching harry potter on HBO. 'just nice- if i go to bed now, wake up, say, around 6 in the morning- 6 hours of sleep; should be enough for next morning's GP test.
1210: decided to play some music. audiovent. ended up listening to the entire cd, which if i'm not mistaken, runs for some 47 min.
1257: still can't sleep. must have been too pre-occupied thinking about my gp test the next morning. different thoughts chased each other round my brain. 'what would
i do if i was a wizard. or maybe not a wizard, but what if
i had an invisibility cloak? what would i do? that kept me up for another twenty minutes plus...
0120: ended up wanking.
0121: [ha, just kidding.]
0145: ran through all the weird shit they put up in websites that teach you how to relax. focus on your breathing, imagine your toes going to sleep first, then the knees, then your hips, and so on till you're completely asleep. attempted that, but didn't work. formulated my own method- focus on the darkness behind eyelids. focus on that and nothing else. tell your self to go to sleep, in a gentle, draggy voice... thought it was beginning to work. yawned for the first time that night. was excited with the results i was beginning to yield. maybe i could sell my idea, teaching people how to go to sleep when they can't. i'll be rich, oprah will want me on her show! or, i could write a book, and be famous! was all that possible? realised my go-to-sleep mantra had been broken.
0210: wide awake.
0220: experimented with different sleeping positions. i usually do sleep with my belly against the bed, but this time i modified it a bit. sleep with a bolster between your legs, [face down still ; )] and press your face against the pillow. discovered i was fast becoming less and less awake, but this was only because i was suffocating myself.
0230: contemplated reading one of my dad's magazines. they
always put me to sleep. but i had none in my room. didn't feel like going all the way to dad's room either.
0240: still awake.
0400: must have dozed off. pissed with myself and the rest of the world, i get up to switch on the light, to check the time. 4, fucking, am. 2 hours left before mother wakes me up for school.
0405: wonder how it's possible for me to not get to sleep at all, in spite of trying for hours on end. consider the possibility of failing because i was trying too hard-
"a watched pot never boils". also tried reasoning whether Murphy had anything to do with this as well. probably.
i think i finally dozed off at 5am. but at 630 when my mom woke me up, it felt like i hadn't slept at all. still made an attempt to sound sleepy-headed though. no idea who i'm kidding.
8:11 PM
